would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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