these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Randomize
