I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
