Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
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