her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
