I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
