u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
You're like the curious george of whores
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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