Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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