can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
