Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
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Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
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I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
i now understand why vodka
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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