i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
