Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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