She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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