I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Help me help you realize you are a moron
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
