I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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