You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
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