When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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