I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Randomize
