when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
