I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
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