I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
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