Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
