I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I just found puke in my bra..
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
