Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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