Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
