I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
