how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Randomize
