dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
