Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
