Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Randomize
