Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
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