my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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