Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
