We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
