My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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