I think I just saw someone hide a body.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
