Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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