Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
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