So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
