I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Randomize
