you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
