so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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