please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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