my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
