He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
