rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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