just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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