And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
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