Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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