Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
