____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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