im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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