Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
