we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
You ate ashes out of my bong
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
